For days now, I have been so angry. I don’t know why. I can’t seem to find a rhyme or a reason. I just am.
It’s like a fire inside me slowly taking hold of me, consuming me; cell by cell, pieces of my soul. One of my bigger issues is that someone somewhere keeps throwing gasoline on it. Making things so much worse and taking me so much closer to out of control.
I hate it! Not the anger so much, I can live with that or at least learn to; its where it takes me. I want to scream, but that’s not enough. I want to hit one of those big heavyweight boxing bags. That still isn’t enough. I want to hit somebody. I don’t have anyone in mind. Not family. Not friends. Not strangers. I simply want to hit somebody. I won’t do it. It wouldn’t help at all if I did. I’d still be just as angry after I hit them, as I was before. Probably angrier than I was before following through on the urge.
I don’t know what to do with it though! There’s just so much of it. The rage and hate; anger and violence it’s all there. Like a sick and twisted dinner party. I don’t know where they came, nor do I know how to make them leave.
Rob says I have to deal with it, not let it control me. Yeah, right. I’ll get right on that. I won’t allow it to burn me from the inside out. I won’t allow it to consume me piece by piece. Like I haven’t been fighting that all this time in the first place. Like I want to feel this way and be this out of control.
Like I know what to do in order to make it stop and save myself. Yeah, like I said, I’ll get right on that.