I’ve been driving the Boys to school, and then I go to my appointment with Pattie every Tuesday and Thursday, relieving Rob of this responsibility for two days a week. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I try and do what I can when I can to lighten his load because he’s doing everything because of me, and that breaks my heart. I hate that I’ve put him in this situation. So finally, after a year or so, having the ability to drive and help him that little tiny bit; I felt like I was finally doing something.
And now, I’m not.
In the area where we live, nearly everyone parks on the street. In a few of the neighborhoods there are gobs of small children, often they run rampant through the cars, on the roads and sidewalks, playing with their toys and balls, chasing them as they get away; some of them supervised while they play and others aren’t.
It’s the small children who are the cause of my extreme anxiety. Lately, I’ve seen a small child darting out from between every set of cars we pass chasing his bright red ball, the exact set up we all saw in Driver’s Ed. Every. Single. Set. What triggers my extreme anxiety is that I may never know which little kid is ‘the one.’ It doesn’t bother me that I may stop for a child my anxiety creates, as long as I’m only slowing down traffic who cares. What seriously concerns me is the child I may miss.
I know they aren’t there. I know I do not see things, I’m not a person with schizophrenia. I also know that it isn’t a chance I’m willing to take. It’s never, ever a chance I’m ready to take.
That’s why I surrendered my driving priveledges to Rob. I. Will Not. Take that Chance. Period. Part of me will miss my driving priveledges, and that sucks a lot, but is also for the best unless you ask Rob that is.