Starting on August 24th, the day we had to put Cleo to sleep, I began building a wall to hold my emotions back. The Boys were upset over the loss of Cleo and needed their mother. That’s not to say I didn’t allow them to see me cry, to see me upset because I did. I know that’s a healthy thing to do, to an extent.
I knew that whether she was ‘just a cat’ or not, she was my cat! I was devastated but I had begun construction on “The Great Wall of Lizze” so I simply put my devastation behind the wall and kept on moving.
Every time, since I built “The Great Wall”, I have felt the stirrings of falling apart over Cleo; I threw it behind me, over the wall. Every upset, every heartache, every heart break went up and over the wall.
Then on August 31st, my Dad had a massive heart attack. There are moments in life when something happens which causes your life to shift and possibly jump tracks altogether. My Dad’s heart attack was a ‘life shifting’ moment for me. I tossed those feelings over the wall too. I almost lost my Dad, true, but my Boys almost lost their grandpa. So my terror, my horror, my fears, my shock, my everything along his journey flew back over the wall.
Ever since then I’ve tossed everything negative over the wall; the problem is I can’t seem to find a way to “tear down that wall.” Now I feel like a walking powder keg, I never know when I’m going to fall apart or what’s going to trigger the destruction. What happens if it all goes to hell while we’re in Florida for Gavin’s “wish?”
So, there you have it. The creation of ‘The Great Wall of Lizze’ right up to the present.