I’ve been asking for your prayers pertaining to some issues that I had not elaborated on here. I am grateful for each and every prayer that is sent up on our behalf. I still cannot elaborate on what is going on for a multitude of reasons. However, I need to know something.
Where is God?
From where I’m sitting, he isn’t listening. He isn’t paying attention. He isn’t helping. I’m a good Christian. I do my best each and every day be a good Christian. I follow God’s laws. I follow man’s laws. I strive to be a good person and raise my children to be good people. And yet, I am without help.
If I look down into the sand there are no foot prints at all. I’m frozen in place and there is no larger than life, unseen force helping me. I’ve been left there. Frozen. Terrified. Overwhelmed. And completely alone.
If my wavering faith, my questioning of God, makes me a bad Christian. I’m fine with that right now. I will declare it proudly!
MY NAME IS LIZZE AND I AM A BAD CHRISTIAN!!!
God isn’t here. I’m looking. I’m listening. I’m talking. I’m waiting as patiently as I can. But as a mother I can only sit idly by and wait for so long. I’ve only just now, within the past hour, given up on God. I’ve only just now turned away. Until that moment an hour ago, I was waiting. I was listening so hard I could hear my own heartbeat. I was talking. I was begging on bended knee for help. And I’ve been ignored yet again.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really don’t.
I do what I’m told. As a mother. A Christian (which I still refuse to be any longer). An American citizen. A basic human being. I am kind to others. I am kind to my children. I am a rule-follower. Never a rule-breaker, at least not the major ones. I go without so others don’t have to. And still, I am ignored. My children are ignored. My family is ignored.
Well, I’m done being ignored. If I am meant to go this alone. If God isn’t going to listen, talk, answer, help. That’s fine. I’ll go alone without the delusion that help is on the way. Because you know what, it’s not. No white knight on a beautiful white horse is on his way to help us. I get it now. I wish I had understood it then. It would have been easier to live through knowing I was alone without help. I guess I should be grateful that I know it now.