Where to begin

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Apparently everyone is worried about me having baby blues and/or post-partum depression. While I appreciate the concern, until yesterday I was doing really well. At least mentally and emotionally, physically I look like crap and still feel *really* sore. My body is currently declaring mutiny against me for having put it through that Hell again. (lol) My mom tells me this normal and in a few days I should begin to physically rebound. We’ll see. 😉 As for emotionally and mentally, I’ll be fine. Really. Baby blues are perfectly normal and they don’t qualify as post-partum depression until I’ve had them for 2-3 weeks. So let’s just give me a chance to recover first before we start worrying about what might happen.

Yesterday was an…interesting if not completely hellish day. It started off innocently enough. Although I am quickly learning how difficult it is going to be taking care of the boys needs while caring for Emmett John and protecting him and Elliott Richard from Gavin.

Emmett John needed to be taken to the pediatrician’s office for another heel stick. Rob was too exhausted to drive so we tried to find someone to take Emmett John and I. No luck. In the end Rob had to take him because it had to be done. He didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. But what other options did we have?

They left. I sobbed. Elliott Richard told me, “Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.” Then I washed Emmett John’s clothes, which we are flying through because we only have so many newborn sized outfits. (Even the newborn size is too big. But 0-3 months is insane.) I even managed to get Emmett John’s binkies boiled. While that’s not a lot at least it’s something.

Shortly after I completed my two whole chores Gavin threw a fit of colossal proportions. It started with screaming that I thought meant he was severely injured. Nope. He was angry. I was now injured from running up the stairs two-at-a-time (apparently a no-no at 5 days post-partum). There was screaming, kicking, flailing, wall-bouncing. Fun was had by all.

Rob and Emmett John got home about half way through the fit. They found me sobbing in the “man cave”. I took Emmett John. Rob went to try and get through to Gavin. He came down like a half-hour later. I was no longer sobbing but still crying. (I cried off and on for the rest of the day.) At that point Rob called and made arrangements for Grandma W to watch Gavin and Grandma G to watch Elliott Richard while Rob, Emmett John and I met with Pattie.

We met with her. I cried some more. I spilled my guts on all things Gavin. She said that she’s never seen parents do more for a child. That we have jumped through every hoop and something should have worked by now. Nothing has. No one knows what we can or should do. Before we left, my mom called saying Gavin would spend the night and she would drop him off on the way to work in the morning.

After the appointment, Emmett John was *starving* so we stopped by Grandma and Grandpa G’s so I could nurse. While we were there my mom called. She needed to bring Gavin home because he kept having massive meltdowns over not being allowed on the internet. They couldn’t get him to stop. For the time being, we’ve lost our biggest source of help with him. I’m not angry or upset with my parents. They gave their all. Unfortunately, “their all” isn’t enough from anyone for Gavin.

So that was my Tuesday.

I’m so stressed. I’m grateful for everything God has granted us lately. (Emmett John’s complication free labor & delivery. His health and avoidance of the NICU. Etc) At the same time, there’s so much more we need help with. I feel guilty asking God for more. As if to ask for more would be selfish and greedy.