I am only human.
I bleed just like everyone else. I hurt. I get completely over-whelmed. I'm 2 days post-partum with everything that comes with that…raging hormones, pain, sore breasts, raging hormones, crying, sobbing…did I mention raging hormones?
I realized something today. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How I'm a "statistical anomaly". It dawned on me today that while people may say that out of one side of their mouths…they are dumping their issues on me out the other side. It feels like they really say it because it makes them feel better about dumping their issues on me. If they see me as this strong, wonderful, rock of a woman or even if they just *say* that's what they see…they don't feel the guilt. I get these lovely back-handed compliments and they get to unload.
Maybe it's my fault. I should just start unloading. I should bare the deepest pieces of my soul to stop them from dumping theirs on me?
No one knows how terrified I am. How when I move while holding Emmett I have flashes of him tumbling from my arms. How I laid in bed and shook after his birth because I couldn't bear the thought of him going to the NICU. No one knows how he has quirky preemie things he does that terrify me. So I have sat in bed for three days and held him and watched him. When I would put him in the bassinet and he would make funny/new baby noises, I sat bolt upright and watched his every move. I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep total since Wednesday night. I have had conversations that I'll never remember. I've been "on" for everyone. I've shouldered everything and just kept on going.