Okay, I know I hide it well but I’ve been pretty grumpy the past day or so. No particular reason, just a little bit of everything. I’ve been struggling to put my feelings and whatnot into words. And so the blogs I have posted have felt rather…disconnected. So here’s what has been going through my head…
Bed rest is starting to get to me. The shots are getting to me in a major way. I know they are getting to Rob but I need him to do that for me. I don’t think I could handle it if I had to give them to myself. I can’t describe the emotions I feel at 8:00am and 8:00pm everyday. It’s exhausting emotionally and physically. It’s draining. I just want to run and hide and scream “no no no”. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of doing what’s right. I want to do what’s easy for once. I won’t, I know I won’t because it’s not what’s best for Tiny. But it would feel so nice. To get up and get dressed and drive to Wal*Mart, by myself. To wander the store and not worry about contractions or pressure or over-doing-it. To just have some time to myself without being in bed or taking a nap. The side effects of the medications are getting to me. The Procardia helps to hold off the preterm labor but it also gives me horrible migraines. The Darvocet helps with the migraines but it makes me loopy and sleepy. Rob is a huge help but then I feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m not pulling my fair share. There’s just so much that I feel I should be doing, could be doing and I’m not. I’m dropping the ball.
I feel like even in taking care of Tiny, I’m dropping the ball. I’m staying down. I’m eating right. (Except for the cheesecake but like Nikky pointed out to me last night, it’s not like I’m going to be living on cheesecake for the rest of the pregnancy.) I’m drinking more water than I’d care to. I try and lay on my left side. I count the contractions. I try and figure out “was that a contraction?” or “is that something I should worry about”. I do everything I’m supposed to do. I keep my appointments. I have the tests run. I take my medications. I endure the injections. I’m doing everything I can do and it still feels like it isn’t enough.