So I have a counter on my blog that will tell me if and when people stumble upon my blog through search engines. Usually Google is the search engine that brings the most people in. Well apparently today a Google search led someone to my blog. This is what they searched for:
how to stop being angry at God for gaving me an autistic child (Google)
Now for me, this brings about a mix of thoughts and feelings.
Am I angry with God because Gavin is Autistic? At times, yes I am. I wonder why our little boy was taken from us. Why he was so perfect and developmentally on target (for the most part) and then *BAM* he was gone. I wonder why God thinks I can handle so darn much. I guess maybe I question God more than I’m angry with him. Although I don’t know that questioning him is any better.
Do I habor angry or hatred toward God for the challenges he’s place before me? No. Again, it would be nice if he didn’t have quite so much faith in me and my abilities to handle stuff. But I’m not angry for the challenges I’ve endured. Those challenges have made me who I am and while I may not always be happy with who I’ve become; for the most part I’m pretty comfortable with who I’ve become.
If given the chance to change it all, would I? Depends. There are certain things that I did out of ignorance (signing my divorce decree without asking more questions, blindly trusting attorneys because I thought they knew better etc) that I would change if given the chance. There are things that I did and I knew in my gut at that moment were the wrong choices for me to make (saying “I do” to Nick being a HUGE one). Those I would change if I could. But to change it all? If it has to be an all or nothing choice, I choose to leave it alone. There’s no way for me to know what I would loose by changing things. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Now, please understand that simply because I am not angry with God because Gavin is gone does not in any way shape or form mean others should not be angry. Anger is part of the healing process. I’ve been angry. I’ll be angry again, I’m sure. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Everyone has to deal with this situation and process in their own way. Whatever that may be.
For the most part, I’m not angry with him for Gavin’s Autism because I don’t know what he has in store for us later. I don’t know why he placed this angel in our lives. But I’ll struggle and muddle my way through until we figure it out.