Yet another day has come and is about to go……I spent all morning trying to keep Gavin from melting down and keeping Lizze as comfortable as possible. I am so tired anymore, I can’t even begin to explain…Gavin is honestly sucking the life right out of me. I just can’t keep up with everything anymore.
I met with Pattie last night and we were discussing where Gavin is and where he is heading. He is in another manic phase right now. He is once again losing touch with reality. It becomes more and more apparent with each passing day just how much he is struggling… I have spent the last seven years of my life fighting for his safety and protection in court along with my wife. I have given him everything I have and it just isn’t enough.
Now I have Elliott who needs my undivided attention. Lizze is on even more restrictions and her problems are getting worse every day. Tiny is just along for the ride at this point and in order to protect Tiny I have to keep Lizze safe and comfortable and STRESS FREE.
I am finding that it just doesn’t seem possible to keep everyone safe and happy anymore.
Gavin loves Elliott but most of the time can’t stand to be around him because Elliott is loud and very active and Gavin gets frustrated and Elliott ends up getting knocked over and pushed around. I can’t allow this to happen. But at the same time I feel terrible sending Gavin to his room all the time but what else is there to do? The doctors are telling me if that’s what we have to do to keep Elliott safe then we just do it…. That is much easier said then done. I feel like he is being banished to the “highest room in the tallest tower”.
We keep coming back to the whole residential treatment issue and I just don’t know what to do. Ultimately the decision is Lizze’s (as he is not my child) and I don’t envy her. This is a terrible situation to be in. I feel like I am inside a compactor when Gavin is around. My whole body hurts and I feel like I am being crushed… I can’t get mad at him because he is a victim and this is not his fault. This poor child’s life has been turned upside down and inside out so many times. I can’t imagine what he is feeling (although nobody know how he feels anything about anything).
Elliott Richard is starting to pay a price for all of this… He doesn’t like it when Gavin touches me. Elliott at 2 years of age is yelling at Gavin when Gavin hops down the steps on one foot. Elliott tries so desperately to engage with Gavin and Gavin refutes him almost every time and Elliott cries. What am I supposed to do with that… When Gavin throws a fit Elliott tried to stop him. Elliott will go to Gavin and try to kiss him to make him better. We have to minimize their contact and interaction. I don’t even like sending both boys to the same place when I take Lizze to the doctors. People just think we are over reacting and Gavin is just being normal…People try to explain away his behaviors by trying to tells us that he just going through a phase and he’ll grow out of it. Every time I hear this from someone I scream on the inside because I cannot break down. To much is riding on me continuing to move forward….
I don’t mean to sound like I am complaining about my life. I love my wife and kids and will continue to do everything in my power to protect them. I just feel overwhelmed and broken right now…..This probably doesn’t make much sense…I just felt this pressure building up and needed to let off some steam.
That’s it for now. I have to go give Lizze her injection again…..